7 Things You’re NOT Missing By Missing the Party

This could be you, guys....

I was the kid that never got invited to the party growing up. I was quiet, sure, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be left out, especially when the High School years rolled around and people really started “partying”.

At the root of my concern was why I wasn’t invited in the first place. Was it my affinity for video games? My proclivity to talk only when spoken to, or more precisely, only when I HAD to? Needless to say it was a lonely, confusing experience, one I went after with a stack of EA games so big that it re-defined the meaning of high and a memory card that was always on the brink of full.

Today I have the awkward luxury of living in Hollywood. A place where you don’t have to be invited to the party, you just have to pretend like you paid for it. I haven’t popped bottles with P. Diddy but I met a guy that talked like him. I haven’t sat in a lounge and tweeted with Ashton Kutcher, but I’m routinely with people who @mention him frequently on twitter.

For those of you who feel like an outsider because you were left out from the party, here’s a summary of what you’re “missing.” It may not make you feel so bad after all.

MUSIC SO LOUD THAT IT HURTS

Going to a club or a party is a lot like driving in your car, just with the music up 200 decibels and no commercial breaks (except for those glorious birthday announcements).

I’m convinced that every club from here to Amsterdam has an ongoing contest on how loud they can get their music playing without being legally accountable for the destruction of their patrons’ hearing.

The irony with clubs, bars, or any place with Flamingo in their name, is that people allegedly go there to be social and to meet people, when in actuality, the places are so damned loud that you’ll feel like you escaped the wrath of the underworld if you get out with your hearing in tact.

Here’s how most conversations take place in a bar or club:

“Hey”

“Hey”

“How are you”

“Hey”

That pretty much covers it. In essence, you could be more social if you went to your neighborhood 7/11 and got an iced coffee—-that’s taking into account the guy at the register doesn’t even speak English.

GIRLS WEARING OUTFITS THAT WOULD MAKE THEIR FATHERS HAVE A CORONARY

On the surface this doesn’t sound so bad: girls wearing a lack of clothes-—its like the beach but darker, and without the hassle of having to get sand out of your ears.

Clubs, bars, lounges will have their fair share of girls wearing outfits that, if their fathers could only see them, would make them flip their you know what (which is pretty much the point).

But any girl that dresses like this is going to be bad news—-she’s either a) going to be with a guy that she’s trying to make jealous and having an incredible amount of success at or b) trying to find a guy that she can take home, do the damned thing, and then text you incessantly until you change your number or end up on America’s Most wanted. If you’re okay with that investment, then take the bait, but it goes into the “what you’re not missing” category because it will only drive you insane in the long run.

BARTENDER(S) WHO ACT LIKE THEY’RE BETTER THAN YOU

This is a consummate staple of any place that you have to pay to get into. Conceptually, paying to get into a place that offers less services and amenities than a bowling alley is ridiculous, but more importantly, it’s pretentious and conceited.

The bartenders take those last two traits and run with it. If you want a drink you’re practically going to have to beg for it, unless you have breasts, than you’ll have enough booze to make Sinatra jealous (that goes double for the fact you have breasts as well). If you want something simple that betrays the norms of alcohol, like a water or a glass of orange juice, you might as well punch yourself in the face so you can save the bartender some time.

Bartenders at most “party clubs/bars/lounges” act like they have a chip on their shoulder, like you are wasting their time, even though all you’re doing is paying them for doing a job most dysfunctional models could do.

This isn’t a knock on all bartenders—-bartenders in this great land are some of the most affable, likeable people the world has to offer, they’re a different breed than the ones you find at most clubs and it’s important to make this difference.

BOUNCER WHO TRIES TO FIGHT YOU

If it isn’t a bartender trying to ignore you it’s a bouncer trying to fight you. This can be due to a myriad of factors, but it almost always shows up in one form or another. Traditionally, it’s because there are girls in line and the bouncer wants to show he’s battle ready.

Bouncers can be worse than a lot of Bartenders in the sense that they don’t get tips. Bouncers in a lot of ways are bullies that get paid to do what they do best: Checking ID’s like you could be a government spy when clearly your 32 years old, from Pennsylvania, and have a beard.

We all know how bad/dumb bullies can be sometimes…

N00Bs that Can’t Handle their Booze

You put on a clean shirt, sprayed on cologne, and got all psyched up listening to Ne-Yo so you could go to a party and see this guy…

Just another fun night out on the town!

PEOPLE TOUCHING YOU

Before you get too excited, know that these are GUYS that are doing the touching. Bars and clubs have an economic interest in packing as many people into a garage sized area as possible, which usually makes your buttocks and your clean shirt the casualties. If that’s not exciting enough, wait until you go to the bathroom…

BATHROOM SO DIRTY IT RIVALS MOST COUNTY FAIRS

I’m from Ohio…which is a fancy way of saying I know more about corn than you do.

I’ve also been to my share of county fairs, and needless to say, the only difference between a county fair and a club is that not everyone is related at the club.

Perhaps the most dangerous thing that you will ever encounter at a club is the bathroom. It’s not uncommon to find most, if not all, of the following:

-Urine soaked floor is a given, then again, you can find that at most Hamburger establishments.
-Guy puking his guts out, quasi girlfriend patting him on his back. There’s the unofficial rule that a girl is allowed to be in the guys bathroom as long as he’s puking, because apparently that makes a guy feel better…
-Guy in fake tuxedo with tennis shoes handing you a paper towel and/or mints. I actually kind of like these guys, unfortautnely, there a rarity in most places.
-Sink that doesn’t work
-Blow-dryer that’s clearly been on non-stop for the past 7 days
-Writing from some guy named Jericho who wants to ‘F’ your mother

Last but not least…

-Overflowing Toilet…because what county fair/public bathroom would be complete without excess water?

So there you have it. The next time people make you feel bad for not inviting you anywhere or for acting like you’re a dweeb for not being a “party animal” don’t feel left out. You’re not missing too much, and most importantly, you’re probably engaging in an activity that’s more constructive and more fun, no matter what other people might try and tell you.

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