Thus far the internet has survived the fanboy wars of 2013. The PlayStation 4 and Xbox One war hasn’t turned into the same violent outbreak of the “Less Filling / Tastes Great” beer wars from olden times. At least not so far.
Here’s this week’s rundown of video game headlines with a heavy dose of snark added in for flavor. Beefy flavor.
It’s here, it’s here, it’s finally here!
No, not the PlayStation 4 launch, silly. This column… this weekly column that take a snarky look at video game headlines from the previous seven (7) days that came before it. I guess I should probably mention that PlayStation thing in here somewhere, though. It releases hours AFTER I write this piece, so those of you freezing your asses off to get one without a pre-order will be made fun of next week.
The first full week of November almost made the job of writing a snarky rundown of video game headlines an easy one. Imagine when the new consoles launch soon. I’m rubbing my hands together like an over-caffeinated Mr. Miyagi here.
Here’s what went down this week.
New Console Hype Hits Television
The television blitz for the next-gen consoles is already in full swing, as PlayStation 4 and Xbox One commercials have hit mainstream television commercial time. Thus far, it seems the Xbox One is advertising far more often, which I suppose makes sense given the focus on TV TV TV with that console.
This week’s episode of The Walking Dead saw an Xbox One commercial during every commercial break, perhaps due to the fact that show looks remarkably similar to Black Friday already.
Achievement Unlocked: 10G – The true hilarity won’t come until the mainstream newscasts try to talk about the new console. Every time one of the anchors says “remember Atari?” or “remember Pong?” you have to take a shot of tequila.
It’s Call of Duty Time… It’s Call of Duty Time…
Who needs a calendar to tell you it’s November each year when you have Call of Duty? Activision pushed out Call of Duty: Ghosts this week with their typical fanfare and media blitz.
Many gamers and reviews out there complained that the new game still feels too much like the previous CoD titles. Well duh.
Isn’t that like going to McDonald’s and complaining that your Big Mac wasn’t four-star cuisine? What’s next, coming out of the next Transformers movie and complaining about the screenplay? Writing a scathing blog about how the sun keeps setting on the same side of the sky? Expecting a Jay Leno monologue to contain jokes he wasn’t using in 1997?
Get real, people. You knew what to expect. Some people like the things I just listed and some don’t. Same with Call of Duty.
Achievement Unlocked: 20G – Their launch trailer had Megan Fox in it for crying out loud. Shouldn’t that have been a hint that we’ve seen everything here already?
Madden Checks In
The checks from the class action lawsuit over the Madden NFL franchise have started coming in to those who filed in time.
Of course, mine hasn’t arrived yet despite buying the game every year under the time period listed in the suit. I figure it should be enough to buy a few thousand copies of last year’s version at GameStop.
Achievement Unlocked: 30G – To those who asked why I bought it every year… I can now point to these old versions as a long term investment… when the check shows up.
Blockbuster Goes Bust
The last 303 Blockbuster Video stores left standing will close down by January.
At one point in time, Blockbuster stores were a huge site for video gaming, starting with a wide selection of video games to rent at the peak of the Nintendo Entertainment System and moving forward with each generation from there. They also hosted a number of competitions during the 16-bit era, including a fun event on Donkey Kong Country that allowed me to win a year of free game rentals once upon a time.
Now they will go the way of the dodo, replaced by an army of red vending machines and On Demand services that don’t charge late fees or ask you to be kind.
So, yeah… go rent Call of Duty: Ghosts real quick and, um, misplace it until January. Make it a Blockbuster night.
Achievement Unlocked: 40G – If you’d have told me in 1995 that Blockbuster would be totally out of business but Kmart, Radio Shack and Sears would remain I’d have called you a damn liar. Yeah, I waited around the return desk for hours on a Friay night to rent myself a copy of The Mummy, too.
Whoops. A glitch in the Walmart website created prices so low even their own employees could afford them.
HD projectors dropped to $8, the super high-end televisions that only sell around the Super Bowl® dropped to $200 and a treadmill dropped to $29. Even with the huge price drop, however, Walmart customers still refused to touch a treadmill.
The glitch created some super low prices on video games as well, including Battlefield 4, Grand Theft Auto V and even the Disney Infinity Starter Pack dipping to under $19 each. Untold masses of gamers picked up as many copies as they could via the store pick-up option, proving to the mainstream media that video gamers actually do go outside.
Walmart released a statement saying they will honor all online orders placed during the glitch. To make up for the losses, the store chain plans to cut employee wages, healthcare plans and merchandise quality.
In other words, it’s business as usual for Walmart. Carry on.
Achievement Unlocked: 50G – That moment you can identify a Walmart customer by the fact they are trading in 25 copies of Grand Theft Auto V to buy a Playstation 4 next week at Gamestop. Don’t think that won’t happen.
Check back every Thursday. The video game industry is about to go apeshit here, and I’ll be back each week to poke a stick at it.
As what is perhaps the most interesting November in video game history knocking at our door, it’s time once again for that snarky rundown of video game headlines from the past seven days. You might find some of the jokes silly, but looking around the ‘net this week I figure you either have this column or Bitstrips and giraffe riddles.
That’s what I thought. Let’s go!
It’s Thursday again, time to snark up some big video game headlines from the previous seven day period of the rotation of our planet. Take a few and check out something video game related you didn’t have to pre-order months ahead of time.
That’s a buncha bullseye!
Big box retailer Target, known for competitive prices and oddly marketed pretend-its-high-end items with no practical use attempted a real all-or-nothing with gamers. Continue reading “This Week in Video Gaming (Snarky Style): TotalBiscuit Burned, Splatterhouse Battle, Pitchford Buys Some Hair” »
The time has come once again. It is time to Snarkify® numerous video game headlines from the previous seven (7) days.
Let’s get to it.
It’s that time of week again. Welcome to the one thing that you’ll see this month that doesn’t have pumpkin spice added to it… my weekly, snark-filled rundown of video game headlines.
With only weeks to go before a huge video gaming November, here’s what happened this week that I feel I can poke a big pointy stick at.
PlayStation 4: The College Years Continue reading “This Week in Video Gaming (Snarky Style) – Obama says ‘Xbox’, PS4 made in China, GTA blamed again” »
The Federal Government might not be open for business, but this weekly snark-filled ball of sarcastic video game headline rundowns is. Even better, there’s no need to read Green Eggs and Ham to kill time in it. I do not like that.
Let’s get to it.
Grand Theft Auto V has been out for more than a week now and we haven’t massacred one another yet. I guess the news was wrong. Hmph.
Then I guess it’s time for another weekly and snark filled rundown of video game headlines.
At least one person blamed GTA for something
A 20-year-old moron in Baton Rouge, Louisiana tried to blame Grand Theft Auto this week for his own actions, which included kidnapping, auto theft and ramming numerous other vehicles. He reportedly told investigators that he “wanted to play Grand Theft Auto in real life”.
Oddly enough, despite the fact that the idiot served up the scapegoating himself, the media pretty much ignored this one as Obamacare served as the media’s crush of the week.
Achievement Unlocked: 10G – His cellmates are going to insist he plays “Pokemon” in real life.
A man in a Ronald Reagan mask joined with a clown this past week to rob a Palm Desert, California GameStop. The two crooks made off with several items but declined to sign up for the Power Rewards Card®.
“He seemed like a nice guy,” said Blade of the Bad Dudes. ”After we rescued him, he even took us out for burgers. I am a bad enough dude to be disappointed in him now.”
Among the items take was a PS Vita, which proves that even a guy dressed like Ronald Reagan can be senile.
Achievement Unlocked: 20G – I guess FOX News will blame video games for this crime while CNN blames Republicans?
The King of Kong is Flipping Burgers
The debut of ABC comedy The Goldbergs this week was not only notable for trying to combine the concept of the Wonder Years with a the gravitational pull of a black hole that ensured you won’t laugh at a second of the 80s references within… it also contained a moment featuring everyone’s favorite retro arcade underdog.
As the show’s grandfather crashes his car into a local hamburger stand, former Donkey Kong champion Steve Wiebe makes a cameo as the befuddled burger jockey.
Cut from the episode was a scene where Wiebe’s character tries to show the police the security camera footage, only for Billy Mitchell to show up with a video tape of his own, better security camera footage.
Achievement Unlocked: 30G – Yes, I had to go there. While those Billy Mitchell videotape jokes have been old for years, some people still think they are the funniest thing on the planet. Then again, there are people excited for a Dumb and Dumber sequel, too.
What the hell is that?
Two new soccer video games came out this week.
Achievement Unlocked: 40G – This is Americuuuh!
Judge bans kid from playing video games
A Wisconsin teen has been barred from playing video games after assaulting his mother. Apparently she unplugged his game in progress in an attempt to stop him from cussing the game and he snapped.
So naturally, rather than explore the relationship between this child and his mother or look for other underlying mental problems he might have, the judge rules that he cannot play any more video games.
That should solve everything. After all, I go on a violent rampage every time a Call of Duty lobby crashes and all.
Obviously, this kiddo has other issues besides his PlayStation 3… such as his haircut. But once again, video games are an easy thing to put center stage.
Same as it ever was.
Achievement Unlocked: 50G – Technically, the kid could still boot up the newest SimCity game. That never lets you play.
We have new consoles coming up quick. Between mainstream media coverage of that, the inevitable launch shortages and glitches and internet reactions… we should be swimming in months worth of this stuff very, very soon.
I’ll be looking for you to check back every freakin’ week. I’ve tagged your IP. Thank you.
This is normally a weekly column that gets super-snarky while recapping important video game headlines of the week. This week will have a common theme, as some new video game has all the world talking. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.
Grand Theft Auto V released Continue reading “This Week in Video Gaming (Snarky Style): Grand Theft Auto V Releases, World Goes Plum Loco” »
It is now that point in the week where I rundown some of the key video game headlines of the past week and poke gentle fun at them. Well, sometimes I’m not quite so gentle, but when I’m not it was deserved. I swear.
It’s that time of week again… time to take all of the past week’s video game headlines and present them to you with a heavy dose of sarcasm, snark and jokes that often go over the heads of those who post about a celebrity death from a year ago like it just happened.
With that introduction, let’s get started.
We finally know now that the internet’s favorite son, the Xbox One, has a release date. The third generation Microsoft console will hit American store shelves on November 22, one week after Sony’s PlayStation 4 is scheduled to release.
Keeping with the Xbox One trend, the internet decided to immediately attack the release date, already-reversed console policies and the fact that it has finally been confirmed that the console doesn’t smell like maple bacon.
Some seem to feel that launching a week after the Ps4 puts the Xbox One at a disadvantage, apparently forgetting that none of the previous three PlayStation consoles were able to meet even a fraction of consumer demand at launch, and that the last console launched after a botched Sony console launch was this thing called the Wii.
Achievement Unlocked: 10G – Can we just shut down the comment sections of video game discussion sites until November? Gotta love how many 22-year-old marketing and branding experts are suddenly surfacing.
Alleged NBA player allegedly assaults girlfriend with Xbox 360
Professional dust collector DeAndre Liggins of the Oklahoma City Thunder allegedly assaulted his girlfriend by dropping an Xbox 360 on her head.
Hopefully she will be okay and get away from this guy. It would also be nice if Faux News never heard of this story, as they’d probably use it to “prove” that video game consoles cause violence.
Odds are high they won’t hear of it, as the dropped Xbox 360 has likely seen far more play time than Liggins.
Achievement Unlocked: 20G – It’s not college football, so it likely won’t be noticed by Oklahoma City sports fans, either.
Mighty No. 9 Kickstarter kicking ass
The “spiritual successor” to the Mega Man series, Mighty No. 9, obliterated it’s Kickstarter goal about 3.8 seconds after going live. The project, coming straight from Keiji Inafune and an “all-star team of veteran Mega Man” devs draws obvious inspiration from the fan favorite series that Capcom apparently decided to forget about.
As of this writing, rumors have it that Capcom is now finally listening, and have gone into making plans for a long-overdue Mega Man game entitled Super Ultra Mega Man X2.4: The New Challengers Turbo HD Championship Edition.
Achievement Unlocked: 30G – Rumored Capcom title is only a working title. More hyperbole is expected to be added to the title by launch.
Your momma wears combat boots… in Call of Duty
The ESA released stats this week noting that 74 percent of moms play some sort of video game. The mainstream media is expected to notice and report on this by the year 2033.
Achievement Unlocked: 40G – Might also help if most “I’m a gamer because I label myself as one” gamers would finally notice that most women play video games as well.
John McCain caught gaming
Apparently not even John McCain takes the idea of attacking Syria seriously, as the media caught him playing a game of video poker on his iPhone during talks about it earlier this week.
The mainstream media went nuts over this. Some were perplexed at the concept of someone over age 12 playing a form of a video game, something they’ve never bothered to notice before. Faux News raised concerns that McCain’s video poker would certainly lead him into having a real-life gambling problem and brought forth numerous “experts” to back up their claims.
Video game discussion groups immediately went on an irrational defensive attack, proclaiming that McCain “wasn’t a REAL gamer”, demanding to know his gamerscore so that they can compare.
Oh, by the way, McCain lost and spoke about it on Twitter. The use of Twitter was the final straw for much of the ‘net, causing their heads to totally explode.
Achievement Unlocked: 50G – So… talk of a war and all, but a poker game is the video game of choice? Not a “violent video game”? Media… explain this. You must explain this.
Come back on Thursdays and stuff and read more of this. I demand it so.
August is coming to an end, meaning new consoles, new games and new media nutjobs are coming up fast and furious. Here’s a sarcastic and snarky look at what made video game headlines this week. Continue reading “This Week in Video Gaming (Snarky Style) – Grand Theft Media, Nintendo 2Ds, Madden Released” »
It seems like a week goes by like this every seven days or so. I’m noticing a pattern.
Time for that weekly rundown of video game headlines with a serious dose of sarcasm and snark. Despite that disclaimer, however, I will get someone taking this all seriously again. I might start sharing some of those remarks with you all.
Prepare to Launch
We now know that the Xbox One will have 23 titles at launch. The PlayStation 4 will have 15 titles at launch.
Naturally, since the Xbox One has reached levels of internet hate previously reserved only for comic sans and Nickelback, many were reluctant to give the props to Xbox One there, stating that “many of them are games that will already be out on other consoles” and stuff.
Those same people then were excited to inform me of Minecraft and Spelunky coming to PlayStation as well as Borderlands 2 coming to the Vita. Continue reading “This Week in Video Gaming (Snarky Style): Launch titles, Man VS Snake, Flair VS Vodka” »
Hey! Stuff happened in the world of video games this week. A lot of places out there will tell you all about it, too. So do I, but in a snarky not-quite-serious-yet-wanting-to-make-you-think-a-little-sometimes kinda of tone.
Must mean it’s Thursday. Let’s get to it.
Disney caught with Skylanders in vid
Mickey Mouse and friends have tried to downplay how their upcoming Infinity is similar to Activision’s money maker Skylanders for a bit. Yet earlier this week a “making of” video shows Infinity figure designers seemingly comparing sketches of their characters to a small row of Skylanders toys on the desk. Continue reading “This Week in Video Gaming (Snarky Style): Disney Caught, Nintendo reports, Mario Karter Saves Grandma” »
Time for that weekly rundown of video game headlines that tries to understand how 291,583 gaming websites can write 500 word “reports” about every new Call of Duty trailer. Yes, the snark is in effect once again as I briefly rundown some of the most interesting stories in the world of video gaming his week.
Fighting Game Competitors Accused of Collusion
The top two players in the Video X Games Marvel vs. Capcom 3 are being accused by some of collusion in order to split the top prize money rather than really trying to tear the on-screen head off their opponent. Thing is, there seems to be nothing in the rules that says they can’t do this.
Unless this rule changes, it opens up a great many WWE-type possibilities. Someone could be about to advance in a tournament and is then bashed with a chair by a player they eliminated previously in the night. Stuff like that, yeah!
Or… they could just put a rule in that should clearly already be in place.
Achievement Unlocked: 10G – I don’t believe this is the only collusion in the video game world this week. Read on….
The Nintendo Wii U version of Batman: Arkham Origins will not contain the multiplayer mode that is a big part of the title for other platforms. Off the record, a Warner Bros. rep confirmed to me that the decision had to do with the fact that finding multiple people playing the Wii U was deemed impossible at the present time.
Achievement Unlocked: 20G – Yes, Wii U sales are bad. How bad are they….?
Wii U Sales Figures Flat Out Stink
It appears that Nintendo is only selling around 53,000 Wii U consoles per month since April of this year. That’s bad, especially for a product available at every major retail outlet. More people bought the silly overpriced shit out of Skymall magazine last month than bought a Wii U. Hell, more people backed the Ouya Kickstarter than bought a Wii U last month.
I still say they have a chance to play clean-up this holiday season, though, as the odds of the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One being available in reasonable quantities are low. Clearly there will be plenty of Wii U’s on the shelves. If the retailers clear off the cobwebs they can probably sell ‘em.
Achievement Unlocked: 30G – Note to Nintendo: It really doesn’t help that the name of your console sounds like the public reaction to a sumo wrestler fart. Keep that in mind for the future.
Something Fishy if You Ask Me
Twitter went nuts this past week as indie game developer Phil Fish went off on video game pundit Marcus Beer over some recently spewed words. After some time, Fish posted that he took his ball and went home, cancelling Fez II, his subscription to DirecTV and his recent Amazon.com orders.
Okay, I made up two of those three. Thing is… I think he made up the first one. Hear me out here.
Fish’s profile pic on Twitter is of Andy Kaufman, the infamous comedian that made mindscrews into an art form. From the cue card stunt on Fridays to the legendary exchange with Jerry “The King” Lawler on David Letterman, Kaufman blurred the line between fantasy and reality so well that nobody ever knew what was genuine and what wasn’t.
Maybe it’s the former professional wrestler in me that’s talkin’ here, but I feel like Kaufman’s pic isn’t the only thing Fish could be taking from the guy. Am I supposed to believe that a guy who went through hell both personally and professionally to release the original Fez (a brilliant game, btw) after five years of soul sucking work is going to just up and storm off over mere words… and do it all in the public eye?
No… I don’t.
I could be wrong. I could be giving the Fishster too much credit in what I think is a brilliant way of viral marketing. He may very well have dropped a load in his virtual Huggies and ran off into his room to listen to One Direction for a week straight. But my instinct tells me that at least part of this… if not all of it… could be a page out of Kaufman’s book. If so, it’s brilliant. Fish trended on Twitter. Every freaking video game website out there talked about it.
That would make a hell of a buzz when Fez II suddenly pops up somewhere in spite of it all, eh?
Time will tell. I stand by my opinion on this as strongly as I’ve stood on my opinion about anything. Now let’s see if I’m right.
Achievement Unlocked: 50G – Phil Fish: World Inter-Gender Wrestling Champion
I do these every Thursday. If you check your calendars, you’ll note that Thursday comes along this time every week, too. I’ll be doin’ roll call, so check back in seven days for more of this stuff.
Time for another Snarknadoooo… or are references to that show already too old for the internet? It was big for like three days then… nothing. Kind of like the Ouya.
Here’s this week’s snarky rundown of key video game headlines.
Marriage Proposal in Contra Hack
An old school gamer has proposed to his girlfriend using a modified version of Contra for the NES. The key to seeing the proposal? She had to beat it first. Props to him… I also made sure to marry a woman that could complete any game she set out to. Trust me, it’s better that way.
Anyway, the guy’s girlfriend said yes. Hopefully she did not enter the Konami code, which would give her 30 free men on the side.
Achievement Unlocked: 10G – The next NES marriage proposal should be hacked into the end of The Adventures of Bayou Billy. Now that’d be interesting to see happen. I know very few men or women who’ve finished that one. *I* did it, though. Continue reading “This Week in Video Gaming (Snarky Style): Contra Proposal, San Diego Comic-Con and Madden’s Bank Balance Goes ‘BOOM’” »
Yes, it is time… it is time for that weekly rundown of video game headlines that tries not to take things so damn seriously. It’s not like that Call of Duty K/D ratio is going to get you a good rate on a home loan or something you know.
Let’s get to it.
NCAA Breaks Up With EA Sports
After more than two decades, the NCAA will not renew it’s license with EA Sports, meaning no more of the annual “we’ll rent this for a few weeks and return it when Madden comes out” football series.
Of course, this is on the heels of legal cases where players state their likenesses and features were used for profit in the NCAA video game series without lining their pockets in the process, so why not try and continue the series without the NCAA as well? That couldn’t possibly cause any potential similar legal issues down the road or anything.
Achievement Unlocked: 10G – If it’s in the game… it’s in the game… unless it’s the player’s names, the organization’s name or the stuff we have to change after this lawsuit ends. But hey, it’s football!
Video Game High School Returning to Class
The second season of this not-so-distant future series about a high school for leee-git video gamers to get it on will start on July 25 on YouTube and RocketJump.
Not long after word of this hit, people who claim the show doesn’t reflect how leee-git gamers are took to the internet to say so, acting exactly like the characters in the show in the process.
Achievement Unlocked: 20G – The inspiration had to come from someone, ya know?
The Kotaku headline on this news item pretty much summed it up – Angry Birds Star Wars II coming in September with a Skylanders twist.
This licensed product combination is expected to devastate manufacturers of products without Angry Birds or Star Wars licenses, as they see the last remaining shelf space at the local Target stores finally 100 percent overrun with cheap crap bearing these other licenses and new add-on products.
No word yet if Disney, the new owners of the Star Wars brand, will work on signing a deal for Angry Birds Star Wars: Disney Princess Toy Story Edition, which would just be way too Capcom sounding to sell.
Or would it?
Achievement Unlocked: 30G – I expect royalties from all companies involved in that Constructicon level merger
Mention of the Xbox One gets boo’s
Seems that Microsoft’s reversal on various planned Xbox One policies weren’t enough for the crowd at the annual Evo competitions. During an announcement by Mad Catz and Double Helix for an exclusive stick for the upcoming Killer Instinct remake, the crowd jeered loudly.
But they’ll still buy the console anyway.
Achievement Unlocked: 40G – If early criticism was ever an actual indication of video game product sales, nobody would buy Call of Duty every year. Don’t give me that “you are still mad at them” crap. I’ve heard this before people.
Nintendo Celebrates Milestones… sort of
Mario’s long suffering brother Luigi turned 30 earlier this week, and the Famicom console also turned 30 the very next day. Of course, the Famicom eventually came to North America as the Nintendo Entertainment System, pretty much saving the ass of the entire American video game industry.
Nintendo celebrated with, well, pretty much nothing huge. Noted here and there. No big deal, it seems.
Now Luigi might be used to that kind of treatment, having pretty much been the sprig of parsley on the Mario dinner plate since 1983… but the Famicom? That’s kind of important now. Sort of a big thing. We kind of liked the games made for that hardware, in case you missed the memo, Nintendo.
Hell, it even had some motion controllers made for it. That’s what you like, right? Oh well.
Achievement Unlocked: 50G – Hey, Famicom and NES… come here, guys. I still loves you. I still enjoy… hey… why is the screen blinking again? I blew in the cartridge and used the damn cleaning kit already. Son of a—, oh there, we go. Now I just have to enter this 912 character password to continue my game…. ahhhh…
I do this every Thursday. Come back and I’ll prove it to you.
It’s been a whole week already? Time for that beloved weekly rundown of the latest in video game headlines with a side of snarky attitude and some bacon.
Oh Bitch Bitch Bitch…
Remember the Xbox One’s big controversy? You know, about Digital Rights Management and the online check-ins? Yes, that one… the one that the internet crapped their pants about on every social media platform known to man until Microsoft switched gears.
There’s now an online petition asking for it to come back…. for Microsoft to reverse their policy reversal.
“This was to be the future of entertainment. A new wave of gaming where you could buy games digitally, then trade, share or sell those digital licenses. Essentially, it was Steam for Xbox. But consumers were uninformed, and railed against it, and it was taken away because Sony took advantage of consumers uncertainty.”
Think nobody is going to sign that thing? ERRRR… sorry, Hans, wrong guess. As of this writing (Thursday morning with coffee in my hand) the petition has more than 10,000 signatures. It needs 15,000 to reach it’s goal.