Texts From Last Night is one of the greatest creations of the internet since free porn. There, you’ll see well over a million-plus texts from people recapping their crazed nights, thoughts, and other personal things we’d be too ashamed to admit (Shh. It’s okay. We know that’s you behind the ewe at Jake’s “Redneck Themed Barbecue”).
Occasionally, I’ll see a couple of texts from my friends, and have even had a case of the giddies at seeing my own. I laugh about it with my friends, and we all go and do something else absurd. Well, as I was scrolling through the site to prepare my next wave of bad life decisions to be forever thrown into a cyberspace, I came across the greatest nerdy text in the history of great, nerdy texts:
I jumped on sending out texts immediately to notify all of my awesome Pokemon friends so that they could see this awesome text from some genius in the world with a huge boner for Pokemon (and Sailor Moon). Only to discover in this case, that huge boner was indeed a ladyboner.
My ladyboner to be exact.
One of my friends texted me laughing, and said: “You DO know that’s YOUR text, right?”
Horrified, I began frantically scrolling through my phone only to see the exact same text sent to the same girlfriend who had to tell me that text belonged to me.
See, I knew that I’d gone out a couple of days ago with some friends to karaoke. I knew I couldn’t sing. At all. I was perfectly content to let my friends proceed to get me drunk, and reacquaint me with, my abusive, ex-boyfriend.
Also known as Absinthe.
And I knew at some point, I got up on the stage and belted out the Pokemon Theme Song AND the Sailor Moon Theme Song, but the rest of that night? Major blur. I woke up 200$ dollars richer, and holding onto a small trophy for first place.
But that I had sent a text about it? To my closest friends about it? And Jesus Horatio Christ, it was that nerdy? And it wound up on Texts From Last Night, of whom I have my (endearingly) dickheaded friend to thank?
And then I read the reply, one of which, was a total lamer, so screw him; I’m just going to show you the highest ranked-comment:
Glad to have been of some (dignity-subtracting service, my friend!). Don’t get my wrong: I’m the first person to will admit that she is the greatest Pokemon Master the Midwest and Russia have ever seen. And don’t even get me started on my deep, deep love affair with Sailor Moon, especially when it came to my crush, Sailor Uranus (My ruling planet and favorite Sailor Scout).
But…Wait. Why am I complaining? Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah.
Absinthe. Not even once. And, just because it’s Mondays, and we all hate Mondays, I’m going to leave you with this:
When I first saw the text, I got to the word “Motherfucking”, I immediately pictured Samuel L. Jackson saying it, because SLJ would sure as hell get up on a state and sing his own, “Motherfucker” and “Fuck” -laced renditions of the aforementioned theme songs.
“I AM the very fucking best like no motherfucker ever was before!”
(This is where the song would simply end. I mean, hell, are you going to dispute Samuel L. Jackson when he claims he’s the very best? I didn’t think so.)
And for Sailor Moon (the image of this man singing the opening song is downright therapeutic)–
“Fighting evil by (the) motherfucking daylight; winning some motherfucking love by moonlight. (*N-WORD, N-WORD, N-WORD*), you ’bout to get yo ass whooped in this fight I’M THE ONE THESE BITCHES CALL THE MOTHERFUCKING SAILOR MOON.”
…I think that’s enough damage for one day.
Pokemon trainers, breeders, leaders, and masters around the world, please rise for our National Anthem:
In what has to be one of the smartest moves since the creation of our beloved Netflix, Pokemon fans around the world were overjoyed to see that the very first season of Pokemon (The Indigo League) has now become available on Netflix.
And no one was prepared for the major nostalgia bomb blasting them back to their childhoods (and while I won’t name any names, I can assure you that several of my friends have all “called in sick from work” just to be able to relive the dreams of a young boy from Pallet Town who wanted to become the very best. Like no one ever was).
The overwhelming amount of people trying to stream Pokemon became so huge that people began to complain about the server literally unable to stream, crashing the browser all together, or even just an incredibly long wait time truly speaks volumes about how this series has impacted generations across the globe.
And as the reigning Pokemon Master Champion of The Chicago and the entire Midwest (a title I’m very proud of, thank you very much), while I won’t say that my excitement at the news caused any severe reactions, I may or may not have started violently foaming at the mouth.
The most incredible part is the demographic of who has been watching Pokemon on Netflix, and what a surprise: Unlike Ash himself, we’ve all grown up with Pokemon, making many of us who are actually having these joy seizures anywhere from our mid to late twenties, and even thirties. We are the same people who get amped when we here the first generation theme song and cry our thug tears during the most painful of moments we experienced during the first season.
What’s more is that now that Pokemon has become available on Netflix, friends are geeking out hardcore with one another, and conversations just like the one between myself and my best friend, fellow model, and Pokemon Master, Milloux Suicide are abounding:
JC: “Lmfao, there are soooo many episodes that make sense now, but that Jigglypuff was a dick.”
MS: “Lol, this show is so fucking funny, and sad, and exciting, and maybe just a little sexy.”
JC: “Lmao Misty sooooooooo wants the D. I’m skipping Bye Bye Butterfree if it’s up there because I literally cannot handle that heartbreak twice in one life.”
MS: “Caterpie was so fucking cute. He should have never evolved. I’m on the Crulean City episode. Super tight town; wish I lived there.”
JC: “Right???! Those sisters are airheads though. You couldn’t have convinced me Misty wasn’t adopted.”
MS: “Misty is a bitch.”
JC: “I RESENT THAT!!!!!!! I wanted to be her when I was little SO bad lmao. I even had her pose down pat. I even got yelled at by my mom for wanting to change my name to ‘Misty’ when I was little. Had it been legal, I’m sure I would have.”
MS: “Hahahaha damn, she’s a little jerkass.”
JC: “GARY was a tool lmao. WHO IS TEN YEARS OLD WITH A CONVERTIBLE AND A HAREM??? Those chicks were ALWAYS WITH HIM.”
So, on that note, relieve your childhood this weekend and watch Pokemon through your now adult eyes, because, like many cartoons and movies, the massive list of adult jokes and gags that your younger self would have never caught and your older self catches:
MS: “WTF. James just said “It’s times like these that make me wanna go straight.”
JC: “LMAOOOO and just imagine, years ago, we thought that meant he wanted to be a good guy and get on the straight and narrow.”
And, even though Nintendo has officially confirmed the Jessie and James romance canon by later depicting in their manga a visibly pregnant Jessie, pictured with James–both of whom are wearing wedding rings–admittedly, James wasn’t doing much to convince us otherwise he really did want to “go straight”.
Let’s hope their kids never see this picture.
What I neglected to mention was that despite it’s disturbing premise and dark tropes, I actually really enjoyed Kite, even in it’s uncensored and uncut forms. The storyline was gripping, it was unusual, and it pushed some boundaries, making people worldwide as uncomfortable as it could. And then, at the end of the movie, the directors and producers give you–SPOILER ALERT–an “open ending” which I cannot think of a bigger dick move to pull.
However, the movie was good enough where it could get away with an open-ending without enraging fans around the world.
Suffice to say, when I discovered that Kite had a sequel by the name of “Kite: Liberator”–also readily available on Netflix–I hit the ceiling. There had already been a lesser-known “sequel” of sorts, where the main character makes a brief cameo, but other than that, it’s not worth calling home about.
Very much like Kite: Liberator, and for one reason and one reason alone–too. many. goddamn. open. endings. You, as the viewer, aren’t just shafted once–you’re shafted about six or seven times emotionally and aesthetically through out the course of this movie.
But, nevermind the endings–let’s jump headfirst into this by looking at the description of Kite: Liberator:
“Ordinary high schooler Monaka is hiding a dark secret: She is the cold and mysterious assassin known to the cops as the Angel of Death. Her past is tied to a murderous detective, while her future is destined for a duel with the person she loves most.”
Already, you know this is a completely different storyline and will have nothing to do with the open-ending of the first Kite movie (or does it…?), but that’s okay because the plot already sounds interesting.
And it is, if you are perfectly all right with being thrown headfirst into a scene where a violent child-rapist pulls a little girl into a bathroom stall with the intent to rape her while being chased by two (obviously inept) cops.
Fortunately, the Angel of Death arrives just in time to blow his brains out and everyone cheers because fuck that filthy child-rapist. Remember, if you have sat through the first Kite, you already know this movie isn’t going to be subtle in any way, shape or form.
This is why we are given a heartwrenching Daddy-Daughter plot about a loving astronaut who goes back into space after the death of his wife so that he can give his daughter a better life. Said daughter is barely fifteen having to put on a bright (but “ditzy”) front, pretending to be working hard at a scuzzy Maid Cafe, but is secretly moonlighting as an assassin (because who knows, maybe she got bored?).
Then we learn that our dear, sweet Monaka has attracted the attention of a (clearly college aged (or older) detective) who wants to take (jailbaitjailbaitjailbait) Monaka on a date–while also unaware that his new (jailbait) girlfriend is also the Angel of Death he and his other cop buddies have been trying to catch.
And to make matters a little worse, all hell breaks loose on the space station where Monaka’s dad is and shit goes from bad to WHYGODWHY.
(PS: Did I mention that all of this happens on her birthday?)
Kite: Liberator rubbed me the wrong way in more ways than one and by the end, all I wanted to do was chuck my laptop off the roof. Not a single plotline question answered. Not even the main one.
Well…maybe they do answer one: Spoiler Alert–Sawa of the first Kite makes a major cameo.
It’s one thing to have one open ending–maybe two. But, having nine or ten doesn’t do anything but make everyone (or, is it maybe just me) pull out their hair (and again, if it’s just me, then I realize I’m being redundant in saying that). Nothing gets resolved.
I’ll let you be the judges readers: Go check out “Kite: Liberator” and tell me your opinions.
Ladies and Gentlemen, that honor is reserved for the anime, “Kite”–a cult classic that has received praise and venom worldwide for its themes and topics, including child molestation and rape, child assassins, gore, and a barrage of other genres guaranteed to either make you squirm or keep you interested long enough to feel disturbed.
(It’s also worth mentioning that in the re-releases, Kite lists Sawa as a college student–of which we all know that’s bullshit because if Sawa were actually a college student, Kite wouldn’t have been banned in Norway for depictions of “child pornography”.)
And now, the (censored) version of Kite is available on Netflix, along with its painfully disappointing sequel, Kite: Liberator, of which I won’t even link you to because I’ll be doing a full review of it for the JHS tomorrow (and also to spare you the disappointment).
The story of Kite revolves around teenage assassin, Sawa, who has been raised and trained to be a killer ever since she witnessed the deaths of her own parents as a child. One of the elements that sets Sawa aside as an assassin is the fact that she uses a special gun where the bullets explode once they have penetrated the victim’s body.
She is taken in and raised by the corrupt and pedophile detective, Akai, who has been raping and molesting Sawa from an early age. Now, Sawa wants out of that life and plans on using a fellow teenage assassin to help her escape it as well as her abusive guardian.
Kite became such a cult classic over the years that it even inspired famous band, No Doubt, drew heavy inspiration from multiple scenes from Kite in their music video for Ex-Girlfriend, and (because American producers just aren’t happy unless they’re bastardizing another country’s great works), there is a Live-Action Version of Kite in the works–with Samuel L. Jackson attached to the project as well (so, it might actually be worth seeing).
While the completely uncut and uncensored versions are available for purchase from Amazon (and even free around these here internets if you look hard enough), if you want to start off easy and not completely disturb yourself, you can find the Netflix-safe version here, and expect a full review of one of the immediate sequels, Kite: Liberator, here tomorrow!
When it comes to video games, we, as gamers, tend to get so wrapped up in the story/side-missions/pointless plot/boobs that we tend to miss the most simplest of messages that can really stay with us long after we power down our consoles for the day.
Here is a short list of some of the most inspirational video game quotes I have ever come across with valuable life lessons for those of us willing to hit the “Pause” button long enough to see it’s meaning:
“I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth are irrelevant; it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.”–Mewtwo
“And withouth strength you cannot protect anything. Let alone yourself.” –Virgil, Devil May Cry.
“A hero never loses. A hero never dies.” Preschooler Nobu, Pokemon Black 2 / White 2
”Although my heart may be weak, it’s not alone. It’s grown with each new experience, and it’s found a home with all the friends I’ve made. I’ve become apart of their heart just as they’ve become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then…if they don’t forget me…then our hearts will be one. I don’t need a weapon. My friends are my power!”–Sora, Kingdom Hearts
“If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh.”–Magnus, Chrono Trigger
“Death is inevitable. Our fear of it makes us play safe, blocks out emotion. It’s a losing game. Without passion you are already dead.”–Max Payne
“Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever… Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time… That is up to you.”–Mask Salesman, Majora’s Mask
“The flow of time is always cruel… its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it. A thing that does not change with time is a memory of younger days…” Sheik, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
“Shadow and Light are two sides of the same coin. One cannot exist without the other.” Princess Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
“There’s no use crying over every mistake, you just keep on trying until you run out of cake.”–GlaDos, Portal
“Hope is what makes us strong. It is why we are here. It is what we fight with when all else is lost.”–Pandora, God Of War III
“Even if we are torn apart, our feelings will unite us.”–Yuna, Final Fantasy X-2
“We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us.”–Andrew Ryan, Bioshock
“Well, there is one advantage to being me…Something you could never imitate. Having you for a friend.”–Riku, Kingdom Hearts 2
“Wishes can come true. But not if you just wait for miracles. Miracles are things we make for ourselves. Here, and now.”–Oerba Dia Vanille, Final Fantasy XIII
“I thought my life’d finally have meaning if i was ‘special’ to someone. But I really didn’t need it… It’s not what you have, or what you can do, Just being born, living your life… before you know it, you’re already special to someone.”–Yosuke, Persona 4
“Hey! Listen!”–Navi, Legend of Zelda
And sometimes, the greatest words and words that simply need not be spoken:
“…”–Red, Pokemon Soul Silver
What are some of your favorite inspirational video game quotes?
Everyone knows and loves Jeopardy!, and if you don’t, you’re are here by deemed a communist. Hakuna your tatas, my friends. I kid. (Sortakinda.) For many of us, Jeopardy! has been considered a staple in the nerd culture since Alex Trebek secretly discovered the fountain of youth and decided to share it with Vana White.
Once upon a time, when “being a nerd” meant “Being really, really smart and deemed uncool by ignoramuses”, if you watched Jeopardy! and you knew the answers, you’d scream them out first so your Nana couldn’t beat you to it. Really, Jeopardy! has always been considered a staple in American (and worldwide) television.
But man. Did it show that “American” part perfectly. In what has to be the most embarrassing display of White Privilege and sheer, inexcusable stupidity (and unforgivable ignorance), Jeopardy! has shown us that if you don’t know Black History, that’s okay!
If you have seen the interwebs in the past day or so, then you saw this image:
And below it, was this image:
(Especially Derpina on the end.)
Now, you could immediately assume this was fake (Like I hoped to God it was, but I know it wasn’t). Seriously, this has 4Chan and Reddit written all over it. It screams–no, bellows–”Hahahahaha, look at those silly white kids! They avoided the Black History questions and now they have to answer them and they don’t have a clue! Silly white people! I mean, it’s only Black History Month!”
And then came the actual video proof that disgusted me more than words could say. Yeah. This actually happened.
That happened. And you know what? I was not surprised. Not in the least. In fact, when a friend posted the full link on Facebook, I laughed. Did you see the way they sighed? And one of the comments left on the link by a woman named Marcelle Bonaparte basically summoned perfectly how I’d like to imagine (but not assume) most black people felt–including myself:
“Yeah, when I saw this the other day, I laughed my ass off. The sigh they made before answering was funny. The relief they had when they realized they knew most of the answers, was funny. The sadness I felt when all of those questions weren’t even that hard was just overwhelming. The frustration I felt reminded that your history (American history aka White History) isn’t my history (Black History), so it’s not as important of a focus on Jeopardy! at all.”
There it is. How I, and many black people, feel perfectly and so eloquently worded. Because really, I didn’t even know how to properly explain h0w this even made me feel; it not only leaves you with a heavy heart, but it’s so painful because it’s just so. damn. true.
That’s how many Americans (and people worldwide view Black History)–
“Hell, it’s your history, black person. Not mine. I don’t need to know it. Ergo, it’s not important.”–Many, many “Americans”.
I mean, ITS NOT LIKE YOU OWE IT TO THE CONTRIBUTIONS OF A BLACK PERSON AS TO WHY THE WORLD OF VIDEO GAMES WAS PERPETUALLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER BECAUSE HE REVOLUTIONIZED FOR THE FUTURE THE VERY CONSOLE YOU PLAY YOUR VIDEO GAMES ON EITHER.
And then, you have to actually look at what Jezebel.com writer, Lindy West, said on this which adds to the humor, but again, it’s a joke that hits your heart and you don’t even feel it until the metaphorical knife starts twisting in the wound:
In the second round of play, the contestants sailed through five of the categories—including “International Cinema Showcase,” “Weather Verbs,” and “Kiwi Fauna”—but avoided the sixth like the, ahem, black plague. That category was “African-American History.”
In other words, these kids were more confident in their knowledge of weird animals in New Zealand than black human beings in America.
But the biggest slap in the face hadn’t even hit me yet. No. That happened when Alex Trebek himself basically excused white people (and all people) across America (or at least gave them a new one) for why they don’t know Black History in just one, shattering phrase that he tried to play off as a “joke”:
“Oh, that’s way before your time!”
Yup. Basically, if you’re white, you don’t need to learn about Black History because it was before your time.
Coincidentally, so was the fucking civil war, the holocaust, the sinking of the Titanic, the signing of the Declaration of Independence,Pearl Harbor, George Washington being an “honest” man with fake teeth, colonizing America…And yet I still fucking know it. Why do I know it? Because, like 99% of the schools in America, it was shoved down my throat like grape flavored Robitussin because it’s American history. (And yay! A single month dedicated to learning about my own history! Thanks, American Schooling System!)
As I got older, I realized history in general, whether or not it is American, French, English, German, Japanese, is important as it is fascinating, and just because I’m black doesn’t mean that I should just know only black and American history and call it a day, because, hey! I’m not Japanese. I don’t need to know who Oda Nobunaga is (but I do). I’m not German, so why should Iknow or care that Auschwitz was one of the worst human horrors in the the history of the world? (Huh. I know that too.) And I’m certainly not Russian, so why should I care or know about the Russian Revolution, or how Nicholas II got his famous monkier, “Bloody Nicholas”. (Weird. I know that one too!)
So, yeah, all of that stuff happened waaaaay before my time too, including many of the events in American history, but guess what?
I still fucking know it. Sorry, white people. Your argument (Read: “Excuse”) is invalid. And no, not even a “pardon” from the great Alex Trebek can excuse the gargantuan display of embarrassing ignorance like what we saw that night on All-American Television.
Wait…Ah, forget it. I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy the irony.
Friday was Valentine’s Day. Facebook and Twitter feeds exploded with engagement announcement and subsequent pregnancy announcements. (Mozel Tov *Throws rice*)
Some of us spent our Friday night in with our best friends: Netflix, and Ben and Jerry’s. Some of us were having wham-bam monkey sex to R. Kelly and felt really dirty about it later (As you should, you dirty person of whom we are all judging right now).
And then some of us were wondering if you were wondering who your dream date of the JHS would be. So, I made a short quiz to help YOU figure that out. Which member of the JHS would be your dream date? Continue reading ““Love Connection”: Jace Hall Show Edition” »
Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually pretty hard to offend me. I have my “bitch switches” as their often called–basically certain triggers that people have to actively go looking for when it comes to trying to offend me.
As someone who has watched anime and played video games most, if not all, of her entire life, I’m perfectly used to seeing negative depictions of black people in anime and manga. And there’s a point where, “Well, it’s just a cultural thing” starts to wear a leeeetle thin. Namely because, “Oh LOOK: GOOGLE.” I personally have yet to find a black character in anime or manga that doesn’t make me laugh because 9/10, the character was simply built on stereotypes.
I’ll admit animators and developers have come a long way from this:
And while it’s some seriously commendable progress, whenever a friend shoots me a link saying, “DUDE. LOOK AT THIS SHIT”, I already roll my eyes because I know whatever said link contains is bound to either amuse me or disgust me.
In this case, it was actually a bit of both.
Let’s talk stereotypes for one second: QUICK! What’s the first stereotype that comes to your mind when you think about black men? Well, if you answered, “They have huge dicks!”, I’lll take that given the many options you could have said. Now, I speak from experience when I say, that like many stereotypes of black people, that doesn’t always ring true. No disrespect to my “brothas”, but come the hell on. If racial stereotypes are to be based upon dick size, then might I say that in my experience, there are a few well-hung Asian gents who blow that stereotype clean outta the water.
Then again, I suppose anyone’s contented to believe these stereotypes–particularly in Japan when doujin is concerned. Doujin, short for Doujinshi, are basically fan-drawn comics or original comics depending on who you’re talking to. And the comic I’m referring to was sent to me via a friend from another video game news show. I rolled my eyes as soon as I saw the cover and name of this comic:
Black Dick Mega Cock (NO I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. AND NSFW or soul).
Oh, and look at what he says in the very first panel:
I barely got two pages in before I just started shaking my head.–and laughing because this is actually pretty funny. If you’re feeling daring, the full doujin is here. To give you a quick synopsis, the comic is about a ganguro gal (Basically a Japanese girl who tans her skin, wears accessories, and bleaches her hair to say, “FUCK YOU, SOCIETY”) who decides to quench her curiosity. She even says she’s okay having sex with a foreigner.
That rubs me the wrong way for a few reasons, namely: Black people have largely been portrayed (in media) as something to be experimented with–but never someone to take home to Mother and Father. And speaking from experience, yeah, it can hurt being fetishized in that way. This comic was so outrageously funny that I sent it over to a black guy friend stationed over in Tokyo at this very moment.
And the sad part is, when chatted on Skype later, he just shook his head and said, quote:
“Yeah–it’s like that a lot over here. Imagine trying to hook up with a girl who is scared shitless because she thinks you’ll kill her with your dick.”
And that’s certainly the case in this comic. The girl goes from being sexy and enticing to freaking the hell out once they get to the bedroom and the pants fall down.
Now, on one account, the website this comic is on is a hentai website, so dicks aplenty and all that jazz. People use it to get off.
And then I got to the last page:
Oh, look! A black guy abandoning (well, not really by choice, but still) his “baby mama” and kid! Gee, we certainly don’t see enough of that here in America as it is, now do we? The comic is definitely laughable, of that there is no doubt. However, it does diddly squat to help stereotypes of black people over there; when all they have to go off of is this:
(Can we please talk about the Thug Spongebob on his shirt, because that is seriously my favorite part of the entire article.)
Dear Japan (and everywhere), Game Developers, Manga-ka, and everything in between:
Please, please, please, please: Either make some actual black friends if nothing else for the sake of properly drawing black people, or at least stop getting your references regarding the general black population from BET.
(Disclaimer: This article is in no way conductive to medical, psychological or physiological research and shouldn’t be taken seriously. Like at all. It’s a farce. It really doesn’t benefit mankind in any way. The (controlled) “study” took place in a loft apartment in downtown Los Angeles—not a swanky lab if that tells you anything. The sixth woman involved in the study served as a proctor, recording and collecting accurate “data”—and wasn’t permitted to engage in any drug use, so suffice to say she wasn’t particularly happy with her role in this asinine experiment, but was a great sport nonetheless. Each woman involved in this study has their valid Medical Marijuana Card, issued by the state of California for the legal purchase—and consumption—of medical marijuana. PS: The Jace Hall Show does not condone the use of drugs, but we don’t judge you for it either.) Continue reading “Study: This Is Your Game On Drugs” »
If you’ve ever watched anime or played video games such as Persona, Fire Emblem, Metal Gear Solid 4, or most of the Final Fantasy series (just to name a few) then you are certainly familiar with the following two terms:
1) Moe (Said like “Moh-eh” or “Moh-ay” and unlike “Moe” like from The Simpsons)
2) Lolita (Not to be confused with the Japanese fashion craze known as Lolita.) The term (and definition) in question was derived from the infamous 1955 novel by Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita—which was about a grown man having an unnatural, sexual obsession with a twelve year old girl. So you already know the direction in which this article is going.) Continue reading “An Insider Explains Japan’s “obsession” with the Moe and Lolicon Genres (NSFW)” »
The following email was sent to me by a long-time reader and watcher of the JHS, NewsTalkLive and our newest segment, GameTalkLive. In case you’re wondering why he sent it exactly to me, his reasoning, verbatim, as thusly:
“No one on that show understands black things like this.”
And I…am not touching upon that one, even with a fifty-foot pole drowned in disinfectant while wearing a full body radiation suit. So, let’s just get on to the email:
“Hey, Jackie how’s it going?
So, I hope you won’t think I’m being retarded or anything, but I have a question and I feel as though you’d be the only one who could give me a straight answer since it’s it deals with black girls and video games, and no one else on that show understands black things. You’re also blunt so I don’t expect you to hold back.
I started dating (name omitted because God bless the poor girl, I’m embarrassed for her) about three months ago. She’s black and she’s a gamer. First black girl I’ve ever dated so I’m kind of proud of myself for stepping outside my boundaries like that.”
(Sidenote: Yep. I’m making the face you think I’m making, readers.)
“She’s not the first gamer I’ve dated, but this is the first time I’ve actually dated a black gamer and I’m almost afraid to bring up the topic of gaming and race with her while gaming with her because I feel like it would blow up in my face and make me look like a moron. She hasn’t brought it up, but I know that there are just some things that a black girl who games might experience than a regular white girl gamer. I just wanted to know—for curiosity’s sake—if there was anything you could tell me that I need to know about dating a black gamer girl because I don’t want any faux pas to mess this up.
Here is a looooong list of differences in between black girls when they’re gaming and white girls (or any woman of any race) when they are gaming:
10). Thou Shan’t Ask for Sexy Time While Thine Girlfriend Is In The Middle of a Melee if Thou Wants To Keep Thine Dick In One Piece.
I said it was a long list. I didn’t say it was detailed or non-farcical.
You’re complicating something very simple. You’re letting your own inability to look beyond her race even when she’s gaming trip you up. This is something common I’ve noticed in a few white men I’ve dated in the past:
Bringing up race to their Black/Asian/Hispanic/Etc girlfriend/wife/best friend terrifies them.
Speaking as someone who has dated white men in the past, I’m going to tell you that generally speaking about your relationship, yes: you will make some kind of race-related faux pas within your relationship because it’s impossible for you not to.
But, I won’t lie to you either; I can understand where you might hit a bit of a bump when trying to discuss race and gaming culture, and how you’re afraid that if you say something the wrong way, you’ll wind up pissing her off or unintentionally offending her. You’ve got to remember something in cases like these: your girlfriend, just like myself, as well as hundreds upon thousands of women, are already part of a steadily growing majority of women who play video games.
Add in the fact that she’s black and you’ve got yourself an even smaller majority of gamers. This is where the line thins because there are some issues as a gamer of color that she’s probably encountered that other races not of color might never experience. She might not feel comfortable talking to you about it, nor anyone else who isn’t a gamer of color because you might not understand where she’s coming from. That can happen because it can be incredibly difficult to understand race-related problems when you’re white, and saying you understand can come off as patronizing sympathy if you don’t actually understand.
That’s not to say you can’t have a civil conversation about race. Not at all! In fact, if you can’t, then I’m telling you now, you have no business dating a black girl if you don’t have the backbone to actually deal with the race-related issues that come up (or worse, pretending they don’t exist)–but that doesn’t mean you have to bring it up every, single time.
Her: “I love the artwork in Okami.”
You: “Yeah, I think they’re racist though; why is Okami a white wolf and not a black one? Also, how come the color white is associated with pure and good?”
(And if you don’t think anyone can be that vapid, that’s an actual question from a white guy I dated who was trying to prove he “understood the struggle”.)
Do yourself (and her) a favor and stop making her race an issue while she games. That’s not to say, “Don’t see race! See a woman!” because I’ve never believed that bullshit and I hate when people say it.
“I don’t see color.”
“Her race doesn’t matter.”
Those statements do more harm than good because that’s not choosing to ignore her race; that’s flatout denying who she is, but that’s another topic for another time. I won’t feed you the deluded concept that race (strictly related to gaming) won’t come up in your relationship, but how you handle it–either with ignorance or with intelligence–isn’t something I can hold your hand through. You can’t be afraid to bring up the topic of race, but you also can’t go asking her blatantly stupid questions, or making random race-related comments simply to impress her or win her favor.
She doesn’t want your pity; she doesn’t want you kissing her ass by your vast knowledge and interest when it comes to black gamers.
Don’t go pointing out every gaming article that features a black, female character to show her you’re paying attention and you care, because that will quickly translate into:
“HEY! LISTEN! I’M ACKNOWLEDGING MY GIRLFRIEND IS A BLACK GAMER BY ACKNOWLEDGING THE PROBLEMS BLACK GAMERS FACE AND I’M DOING SUCH A GREAT JOB AND AM SO WELL UNDERSTANDING ABOUT THIS PLIGHT. DO YOU SEE I UNDERSTAND??? I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOU!!!!!”
Because if you continue to make her race an issue, guess what? It’s going to be a huge fucking issue and she’s going to eventually turn around, look at you, and say:
“Dude. Why the hell are you so concerned about the color of my skin?”
Speaking from personal experience, there is nothing that sours a relationship when you bring up a girl’s race all. the. damn. time.
You can respect her, as well as her race, simply by just acknowledging one simple fact:
When a woman of any color is gaming, she’s a woman. She’s a gamer. That being said, let her game in peace.
In this awesome little homage to The Hobbit, Google has gone ahead and created a full-scale, tricked out version of Middle Earth, run by the same engine that is used for Google Earth, in order to celebrate the upcoming Hobbit movie on December 13
The interactive map program allows you to click on certain points within the map and scale in to see the exact locations of city, towns, dwelling of Sir Tolkien’s magical folks, and take a memorable trip through Middle Earth.
If you’re a fan of The Hobbit, or just the Lord of the Rings series in general, check it out.
For those of you who have never heard of the mobile app, Tinder, it’s a dating app that allows you to swipe-right through profile pictures of people who are near you and share the same interests as you.
However, with wanting Tinder to be more than “just an dating app”, co-founder Sean Rad has given the app a new update that allows for more than just potential romances and booty calls. Now, aside from just clicking and looking, Tinder 3.0 allows the use of blocking people, making new connections worldwide (Or at least citywide, in some instances), and helping compatible people meet (and even marry) as well as overall evolving into an app that goes beyond the simple dating app.
“You have certain co-workers, acquaintances, and whatnot, and it would be socially awkward if you added them on Facebook.” He explains in a recent interview. ”It’d be weird to add her on Facebook, or follow on Instagram, but for the first time I can say ‘Hey Whitney, what’s up?” if we’ve both swiped right. That’s the breakthrough with Tinder. That signal has been gone until now.”
According to Rad: “Tinder is currently seeing 400 million swipes a day and 4 million matches per-day, up from 350 million and 3.5 million in October. The iOS app has been hovering towards the #10 rank in Lifestyle and #100 overall for about a year“. What’s more is that with the app available in multiple languages, you literally have the ability to talk to anyone from anywhere and meet that special someone, whether it’s strictly for networking purposes, a quick romp, or right down the aisle to “I do”.
And Dad of the Year goes to…not this guy.
Antwain Sutton was responsible for watching over his 4 year old son, but decided that video games were more important. Sutton admitted to leaving his 4 year old son alone so that he could go down the street and play video games. Meanwhile, his son wandered out into the apartment building, in his underwear, where neighbors stumbled on the seemingly lost boy. Continue reading “Father Leaves 4 Year Old Son to Wander Around Apartment in Underwear, While He Goes to Play Video Games” »
Is it just me, or have we been talking about Pornhub a lot on this show, lately? And why not! We all love porn. In fact, more than just a few of us at the Jace Hall Show were stoked when PornIQ was released, because finding good porn is just such a chore these days and we like things simple. (And kinky. And covered in fur. And tentacles, too.)
That being said, Sony fans will have access to as much furry and tentacle porn as their heart pleases, because Pornhub has officially become the first pornographic site to be fully supported by the PS4.
I mean, maybe I’m cheap, but I wouldn’t shell out over $400 bones (Ah-ha, accidental pun) just to get off too. (Yes, girls watch porn too.) And if you’re like most people who own a PS4, the usual set up is for the living room area…maybe, bedroom, but nine times outta ten, the parents who buy this system for their kids for the holidays are probably going to have it in the living room or some general, easy-access area where a few people occasionally commune. I want you, if you can, to imagine waking up to your dad, grandpa, aunt, mom, etc…jacking off while using your brand new PS4 to steam porn.
Let that image stew there for a moment.
However if live alone, you can get your jollies off anywhere in the house and not have to worry about being caught, because that’s definitely one of the perks of being a responsible adult. Let’s take a peep at all of the devices of which Pornhub is now readily available:
6) Wii U (YES. The WII U).
Basically, any digital device that has internet capabilities and doesn’t have a Parental Control blocker. And frankly, as an avid watcher of porn, I’m glad to know that when I’m not busying busting skulls on my new PS4, it has a more practical use–watching porn. I cannot wait to see the news posts from the pissed off parents who caught their son (Because, speaking from a solely female perspective, we women tend to be a bit more discreet in getting our jollies off) using that brand new, $400 dollar piece of equipment to do what they could have just as easily done with their phone–in the privacy of their own room.
Stay tuned, sports fans. This is going to be good.
Without so much as a single reason why, the Supreme Court has rejected a call to challenge the NSA (National Security Association)’s security telephone recording surveillance program.
If you’re like me, you’re wondering, “Okay, and I care…why?” Any other time our government makes a boneheaded move, I’d be more inclined to just roll my eyes and say, “‘Murica”. But, this is huge. Why? Because that means that there are people working with us to ensure that bulk data collecting (Phone tapping, tracking your internet history, etc) will no longer be an issue in the future. Now, I’m not saying it’s there yet–in fact, it may time some serious time given we have the most historically unproductive congress of all time.
What’s more is that privacy advocates, such as Senators Ron Wyden and Rand Paul, two people of totally opposite parties and views, want to end bulk collection entirely, provide more transparency to congress, and allow citizens to sue the NSA.
But, until Preisdent Obama’s NSA Taskforce releases it’s recommendations on how to further go about this, don’t expect any sort of change anytime soon.
Just when we thought Sony Pictures’ upcoming Angry Birds movie sounded ridiculous, Warner Bros. announced today that another popular app, Temple Run, will be getting the Hollywood treatment.
David Heyman, who previously produced Gravity and the Harry Potter film series, will produce the film based on the endless runner game.
The Hollywood Reporter said that, while Warner Bros. is still looking for a writer for the script, the movie’s plot will focus on “an explorer who, having stolen an idol from a temple, is chased by demonic forces.”
Earlier this year, Imangi Studios released a sequel to their commercially-acclaimed app. After its release, Temple Run 2 was downloaded 50 million times in less than two weeks.
Some people will go to any lengths to protect what’s their’s–especially gamers. We are known to be a selfish bunch when it comes to our consoles unless we really trust someone, in which case, we make them sign the agreement in blood (and their first-born child).
However, New Zealand is serious about the impending launch of the XBox One. So serious, they’ve decided to have live sharks guard the first XBox One. No. Really.
No. Really. To make sure no one would get any funny ideas, Kelly Tarlton’s SEA LIFE Aquarium, which is in Auckland, has submerged the first XBox One under water to be guarded by live sharks. The day that the One launches, it will be fished out of the aqaurium and handed to the first person who reserved it.
(Assuming the sharks don’t willingly give it up first.)
(Alternative title: “Wait. What?”)
No, really. What?
What you’re watching is a man having sex with his computer. Or, rather, having sex with a computer program. While I generally try never to yuck someone else’s yum, I really don’t have any other type of response outside of, “WHAT?”. The PC Demo, VR Tenga demo for PC was made to accompany a future game for the Oculus Rift, comes with gadgets that help to mimic the actions of getting blowjobs and having sex.
To put it succinctly, if you have ever wanted to live out the fantasy of having sex with an anime character, your prayers have finally been answered.
(Especially if you’re a pedophile because that girl looks like she’s NINE.)
There is no news on when the project is expected to be finish and I hope there won’t be for a long, long, long time. (At least until that VR girl turns eighteen.)
I know there’s supposed to be this universal understanding that women don’t watch porn; much less talk about it. Well, contrary to popular belief, women do watch porn (I know I’d never want anyone going through my web history), and we watch a lot. (Or maybe that’s just me.) And we do talk about it. Hence, the reason today’s discovery is some great news for me and tons of other porn lovers out there.
“The internet was created for porn” has been one of the truest statements about the internet since we were first introduced to AOL, some stone ages ago. Since then, the internet’s biggest cash cow has been porn. With websites that give people access to free porn such as Pornhub.com, Redtube, and Hentaistreaming.com (For those of us with “special interests”), it was at one point reported that because of the easy access to porn we have now, the porn industry has actually taken a huge hit–along with a plethora of other problems that have arisen from free porn. Continue reading “There’s a Pandora For Porn (No, Really) NSFW” »